...I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed...

God is really funny.  Here I am waiting for a miraculous move of God to overtake me, speak to me through a prophet or preacher, have an angel or two appear or God Himself write on my wall, before my spirit is lifted.    All it took was a friend from church giving my daughters 2 bags of children's books.  First thing I thought *honestly*: OH CRAP!  More stuff to spread around the house, to pick up,  I have to find room for these things now, ugh!  So we get home and sure enough, they were spread out everywhere!  With no room to store them, they are still on the floor.  This project will have to wait until tomorrow.  As I slowly step over the books, my youngest daughter requests that I read her one.  It wasn't a regular story, it was a bedtime musical Nemo book where you push the button and read the song, so we sang and sang, it got fun since we recognized the songs from Barney and had different versions to sing.  Now my 9 year old comes along with a "Lady and the Tramp" book.  It was long, she wanted me to read it to her.  So hesitating, I did.  As I read it, memories flooded me of the 100 times I watched the movie, so now I'm speaking with voices, did the slobbering bulldog, and sang with an "italian" accent (I say "italian" loosely) ...and they called it bella noche!!!  I also sang out a few verses of the siamese cats...my daughter was joyfully shocked, she just couldn't believe mom was laughing, and singing and acting so silly.  I have to admit, these occasions seem to be more and more rare and as much as I try to shelter my own struggles from my children, they see and feel mom in distress.

Long story short, we were acting like Dora the explorer in another book and ended this lovely evening with the song:

On top of spagetti, all covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed
It rolled off the table and onto the floor
I lost my poor meatball, when it rolled out the door... (something like that).

No devotions, memory verses or anything spiritual.  Yet I felt a small balm of healing over my heart as I sang, laughed and acted just plain stupid with my daughters.  Not to mention, I realized my neighbors were right outside the window as I was singing a horrible version of "home, home on the range" in a horrible southern accent.  I'm not good with accents, but it sure is fun to try.

God's thoughts are definitely higher then our thoughts!

One bad thing...I can't get the meatball song out of my head.
Now to go thank my friend.

ONE STEP AWAY...

I was leaving walmart the other day and was met by a woman who was begging for money.  Her request was because all she wanted was something to eat.  By looking at her I could tell she consumed everything but food.  In that split second that I was thinking that I wasn't about to give her money to support whatever addiction she had, a scary yet true thought crossed my mind.  In my pain, anger, frustration and confusion, I felt one step away from being her.  Where did this woman come from?  What had she lost?  Who had she lost?  What pain was she trying to cure?  What was she running away from?  What thoughts was she trying to erase?  What emotions was she trying to drown?

How many times have I wanted to run away?  MANY MANY TIMES!  How many times did I feel desperate to change my life?  MANY MANY TIMES!  How many times do I want to forget?  TOO MANY TIMES!

I know it is God who is keeping me.  Along with a strong husband and 3 children that need me and that I love deeply...

But I realized...I am ONE STEP AWAY...

This woman was dealing with something the best way she knew how and I couldn't punish her for not being able to cope, so I gave her money without judgement, because many times I feel ONE STEP AWAY...

And our life changed-The ER Visit

June 2, 2011

ARRIVING AT RADY CHILDREN’S EMERGENCY ROOM

Upon arrival I called Jorge to let him know we had gotten there.  I rode in ambulance in passenger side, while Jorgie was in back with 2 emts.  When we entered ER, nurse begins to read EMT report, reading back that Jorgie was pushed by another child.  First time I heard that.  I told her I didn’t know, EMT states he was told that is what happened.

We are taken into a room, numerous nurses and doctors walk in at different times to examine Jorgie, focusing mainly on his left arm and shoulder.  When they would ask me if his behavior was normal I would answer no, that his calm and sleepy behavior concern me.  One of the main doctors walked in and asked me again if he was acting normal, after I insisted that he wasn’t acting normal, she ordered xrays for his left shoulder and a head catscan.  This was approx. 30 min after arriving in ER.  He was taken to catscan within 10 min of order placed by doctor. 

After catscan, we were escorted back to ER room, on our way to room I heard on intercom a request for trauma team in trauma room.  Once back in room with nurse, another nurse rushes in and tells current nurse to take Jorgie to trauma room (1 or 2, can’t remember).  I grew concerned because I heard the intercom message minutes before.  There were many people in the trauma room waiting for Jorgie, I was encouraged to wait in corner while they examined Jorgie.  I heard words “head injury” “brain bleed”, “surgery” but no one explained anything to me until a few minutes later.  The doctor told me they found a bleed and introduced me to one of the neuro-surgeons, who proceeded to explain to me the injury, he showed me scan.  The bleed was pushing brain upward, it was a significant left epidural bleed.  Doctor stated and I quote “if we don’t do this surgery, he could die”.  After speaking with surgeon, he joined team and Jorgie to prep him for surgery.  After talking to surgeon I called a friend to babysit my girls so my husband to get to hospital, I called my husband crying, told him what was happening and to get to hospital immediately because Jorgie was going into surgery.  After call, I was introduced to a social worker who sat me down and gave me a cup of water and tried to comfort me while I cried.  Within 10-15 minutes, Jorgie was being wheeled to surgery,  I was escorted by nurse to a conference room where we would sign anesthesia and surgery consent form, as well as, meet with other surgeon and anesthesiologist.  My husband arrives while I am waiting for doctors.  We speak to anesthesiologist and surgeon.  Jorgie’s surgery begins about 45 min after arriving in ER.  The surgery lasted an hour. 

As we waited in lobby, husband was making calls to family outside, I sat in lobby.  School principal Dawn Minutelli shows up at hospital with concern in voice.  As I explained what happened, there was silence for a few minutes.  She than asks the following question “So does Jorgie fall often at home?”  Of course, I said no because he doesn’t.  After surgery, my husband and I were paged by surgeons, we were taken back to same conference room; surgeon walks in to inform us that surgery was successful they got the clot all out.  I asked him if that clot could have been a pre-existing condition that we just now noticed, he said “no”, this bleed was caused by a severe impact such as a very hard fall.  We were told to wait in lobby a little longer while the team finished up with Jorgie and he would be taken to PICU.  We went to lobby, told principal he was out and stable, she stayed for about an hour, left after Jorgie was out of surgery.  Left me her card and cell phone to keep her updated. 

Jorgie was than taken to PICU, he was intubated.  We weren’t able to see him for about 2 hours after surgery.

Can't afford to take anything for granted

Notes of how our family has been affected by my son's brain injury in June 2011.

How Jorgie and our family has been affected by Jorgie's inability to eat. 

One of the only things that Jorgie had in common with us and others was the fact that he could sit at a table and eat.  He loved the potlucks at church and the fact that he ate so well was a conversation starter and an ice-breaker for those who had never really interacted with Jorgie.  When we would pass by his favorite restaurants, he would yell out from his car seat "HAMBRE!" which means hungry, because he wanted us to go eat.  Dinner time was a very important part of our day as we would sit down together at the table and all of us enjoy the meal.  Jorgie had this strange ability to separate a certain food out of a mouthful and spit it out without spitting anything else out, if he didn't like that certain food.  For example, he wasn't a big vegetable fan, and I would make rice and mix in pieces of carrots or broccoli; we would feed him a spoonful and he would be able to separate (in his mouth) the rice from the vegetable and spit out the vegetables.  He also had a huge apetite, sometimes enthusiastically asking for seconds and even thirds.  We would go to restaurants at least once a week, after a doctors appointment or after church.  Jorgie and I also had our times when I would take him to breakfast, just him and I, he really enjoyed these times.

Now that Jorgie has the g-tube, we have been to a restaurant 3 maybe 4 times in the past year, usually because we can't get home to eat for whatever reason.   We don't plan family dinners in a restaurant on purpose because we refuse to eat and Jorgie feeling excluded.  When I can't cook we will get take-out and bring it home, usually putting Jorgie in his room to listen to music or watch his favorite show. 

Bottomline: mealtime is not the same!

The one thing that connected him and allowed him to feel included and the same as every one else, was taken away from him.

When he was 1-2 years old he had problems gaining weight.  The doctors presented the possibilities of inserting a g-tube to help him gain weight; after attending a meeting with nurses and dietitians and with some advice from therapists, I began cooking hi fat and hi calorie meals, that way every spoonful counted for him.  The pediatrician told me that if he didn't gain 2 lbs by a certain date, the tube would be inputed.  Well he did gain that weight and more, a big relief and victory for our family.  As he got older his eating and weight improved.  He was always underweight on the charts, but very healthy and never diagnosed with failure to thrive or malnourishment, the doctor wanted to keep him slim so we would be able to carry him.  His weight and health was always monitored and every one was impressed by his eating abilities.

The deep inner scream that no one can hear

Why, why, why?!?!?!?

I am so done

Done of watching doctors and nurses torture my son (I know it will make him better, but still, I'm done and I know he has to be done too)

Done of Mcdonalds meals or my other option?  expensive, not-so-good cafeteria food.  Or I can walk to ronald mcdonald house for free food, but the pain of remembering our stay there last year, I don't even taste the food.  I hate this place and yet, looks like we are moving back in.  This feels like a nightmare.  I am done!

Done of leaving my daughters and watching them being affected by not having their mom around, my 9 year old is so sweet and understanding, but I can hear the pain in her voice.  My 4 year old acting out in anger and tantrums, too young to process, all she knows is that she misses mommy.

My son, lying in this bed, waiting to get better.  He gets better, he gets worse, he gets better, he gets worse.  He finally goes to sleep and some specialist has to wake him up.  LEAVE HIM ALONE!

It is so cold in this room and all I do is find myself staring at the 10 inch tv in the corner of the wall or eating something I'm not supposed to.

I just want the chance to be a little normal, maybe shop a little, have friends, exercise, eat right,  maybe just be a normal woman, just a little, that's all I ask.

I feel so frustrated and alone.  So abnormal...I stand out when I walk into a room of people I know, no one knows what to say, so some act as if nothing has happened, some try to encourage, some try to share faith, some just ignore me, all because they don't know how to deal with people like us.

I didn't wake up one morning and tell God, I want this kind of life, a life that is spent in hospitals and doctor's offices, a life spent trying to keep our boy alive, a life spent trying to stretch myself thin enough to not neglect any of my children,  a life spent distanced from people, sleepless nights, I didn't ask for this and sometimes I feel like we are treated like that, like we planned this, we asked for this, we wanted this.  We were once like everyone else, but then all of this happens, we didn't get a say at all.

I have my Bible here, and I read it, but the words just kind of bounce off the page to my eyes and back to page, I am walking and thinking and feeling in a daze.

Don't ask me how I'm doing, that's a stupid question and you probably don't want the honest answer anyways.  Don't ask me how I do it...that's another stupid question.  People have drawn away, don't blame them, first it was family, now it's friends, I don't blame them...maybe I would have done the same if I were in their shoes.  I wonder if they think how would they feel if they were in our shoes.  I don't blame them.

How can you help?  Don't ask me because I will say no, just do it!  take initiative, that's what I would do.   How about some healthy meals?  How about coming to sit with our boy, so I can spend time with my girls without the thought that my boy is alone and upset, how about just being here without having much to say, their isn't a prayer that hasn't been prayed or words that haven't been said, heard it all.  We don't need advice and even encouragement seems cheap nowadays.

I just can't stand it anymore! But God is still in control, that's my hope, my only hope.

God just help me get through this night with enough strength to get through another day here at the hospital.

Where there is darkness, there is light...waiting to see the light.

you know what I don't understand?

That the same people who scold me for being too strong and self-sufficient, the same people that say that I'm going to get sick if I don't ask for help, the same people that make my independence and determination sound evil; are the same people that fall apart when I need them the most.  These same people can't handle pressure or stress; therefore, leaving me alone to handle the situation.  What am I suppossed to do with this?  If every one fell apart and caved in to the pressure including myself, no one would be up half the night changing my son's diapers, or giving him his medications or dealing with is 102 fevers, or sitting in doctor's office's for what seems to be endless hours.  Someone has to be strong and calm, right?  Sometimes i think it is these thoughts and confusion that put me more into a depressive mood than the circumstances themselves.  Really.

By the way, no one said i take credit for this "strength".  I give all glory to God who has given me the strength to wake up 3-4 times a night for the last 9 days straight and can still fully function during the day, taking care of my sick son and little girls, the house, the laundry, meals  (ok, well drive-thrus have been a part of life lately I admit).  I'm not perfect.  So here is what I say to those people...if you can't handle it, if it's too stressful and sad for you and you need to distance yourself...I understand.  But don't accuse me or make me feel bad because I'm "strong" and get things done.  Do I have choice?  Because I sure don't see it at this point.  If God says He is who He is and His Word says what It says, than I should get up or in some cases stay up in the morning, smile, keep going...trusting that there is new strength for every step that I take, every mountain i have to climb, every hour that i must stay awake, every appointment I must rush to, every crisis I must tend to. 

is it too much to ask?

To be understood?  Not to be felt sorry for or pitied upon...just to be UNDERSTOOD.  A few hours ago I get a surprise call from one of my sister-in-laws who never calls.  She called to ask why we haven't been by to see our newborn neice and when do we plan on going.  They live 2.5 hours away.  Really?  This call reminded me of my conversation with my brother who lives in New York, "sis, when can you guys come down?  Or we can meet in Texas?"  REALLY???  Here's my answer to the both of you!  I will be right over, SLAP THE CRAP OUT OF YOU and come right back.  How's that?  Sorry if I appear a bit bitter...but come on!  Does any one realize what we are dealing with here?  At this very moment, I am pulling an all-nighter, taking care of my sick son, 13 years old with Cerebral Palsy, in diapers.... who has  UNCONTROLLABLE DIARRHEA, not only that but he keeps choking on his own saliva... Why can't they come and see us?  I just want them to understand, how hard it is to travel with a 13 year old, g-tube fed child in diapers.  How hard it is to find a clean, comfortable place to change him, for him to sleep.  Not to mention, bringing his 2 sisters along.  We have to count cans of milk, bags, tubing, gauzes, medicines, syringes...water bottles, diapers, wipes, lots of clothes.  IT IS ALOT OF WORK!  And the bigger he gets, the more work it is.  Am I asking too much when I ask for a little understanding and maybe a break from travel...everyone is so welcome to come here.

Hearing from God

"And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself any more, but your eyes will constantly behold your Teacher.  And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left." Isaiah 30:20-21


And the effect of righteousness will be peace (internal and external), and the result of righteousness will be quietness and confident trust forever.  My people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, in safe dwellings, and in quiet resting-places Isaiah 32:17-19


Words for me during this time in the desert.

Lamentations 3:18-33 and my 2 cents

I cry out, “My splendor is gone! (YES IT IS, LOST UNDER DARK CIRCLES AROUND MY EYES, TIRED ACHY MUSCLES, A BAD BACK, A FAT STOMACH AND BUTT, AND NAILS THAT I CAN'T STOP BITING!)

    Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” (YES LORD, DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD AND I PRAYED "HERE AM I, LORD SEND ME" I MEANT SEND ME TO SAVE THE WORLD, NOT SEND ME PAIN, SUFFERING, TRIALS, HEARTACHE!)

¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.^[a]

²⁰ I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss. (MY LOSS OF HAVING A NORMAL FAMILY LIFE, NORMAL PREGNANCIES, NORMAL BIRTHS, A FIRST BORN SON THAT SHOULD BE IN SPORTS, RUNNING, TALKING, EATING, HOW AM I SUPPOSSED TO BE USED BY YOU GOD, WHEN I'M HOME CHANGING THE DIAPERS OF A 13 YEAR OLD AND WILL BE HERE 10 YEARS FROM NOW DOING THE SAME?  HOW CAN I BE USED BY YOU WHEN I'M EXHAUSTED! WHEN I'M OVERWHELMED WITH DOCTORS AND THERAPISTS, TELLING ME "THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOUR SON"?)

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends! (YES, IT HAS BEEN THE ONLY THING GETTING ME UP EVERY MORNING, THAT AND MY AMAZING HUSBAND!) 

    His mercies never cease. (IF I WERE YOU LORD, I WOULD HAVE ZAPPED ME WITH A LIGHTING BOLT A LONG TIME AGO, FOR MY LACK OF FAITH, JUST LIKE THE ISRAELITES, GRUMBLING, SEEING YOUR HAND, FORGETTING, THAN GRUMBLING AGAIN! SOMETIMES I MAKE MYSELF SICK!)

²³ Great is his faithfulness; (FAITHFUL TO GIVE ME STRENGTH, FAITHFUL TO BLESS MY STEPS, FAITHFUL TO BE THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS THERE, THE WAY I WANT THEM TO BE THERE...WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT AND WE SHOULDN'T)

    his mercies begin afresh each morning. (THAT IS WHY TOMORROW I WILL WAKE UP AND BE HAPPY, NO NOT HAPPY, HAPPY IS SO CIRCUMSTANTIAL, I WILL BE JOYFUL!)

²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”(MAY I NEVER LOSE HOPE IN YOU GOD; I HAVE LOST HOPE IN MY FAMILY, IN DOCTORS, IN THERAPISTS, IN SOCIAL WORKERS, IN MY KIDS SCHOOL, I WILL NEVER LOSE HOPE IN YOU!)

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.

²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly (I AM LACKING HERE LORD! HELP ME BE QUIET! HELP ME STOP WHINING AND COMPLAINING! HELP ME STOP ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND THE ANSWER AND EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING!)
    for salvation from the Lord.

²⁷ And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:

²⁸ Let them sit alone in silence (OH THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN "SILENCE" OH HOW I WISH THERE WAS A SCHOOL THAT I COULD GO TO TO LEARN HOW TO DO THIS...WAIT! AM I IN THAT SCHOOL RIGHT NOW?)
    beneath the Lord’s demands.

²⁹ Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.

³⁰ Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. ("YOUR SON MIGHT ONLY LIVE 10 MORE YEARS, "YOUR SON ISN'T SHOWING ANY PROGRESS", YOUR SON WILL BE A VEGETABLE, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED PUTTING HIM IN A HOME?) HELP ME LORD! TURN THE OTHER CHEEK.

³¹ For no one is abandoned (DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T LEAVE US! WE NEED YOU!
    by the Lord forever.
³² Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love. (I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT ALL, BUT I ACCEPT IT, I ACCEPT YOU LORD AND YOUR PLAN)

³³ For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

New Comedy series coming soon!

Sometimes that's what I feel like our life is, one big unfunny comedy!  Unreal, almost silly.  Right now, another sleepless night.  My son with 102.3 fever and my dear 3 year old daughter who possibly put a popcorn seed up her nose.  She says she did, then she didn't, she says it hurts and then she says it doesn't.  It is almost midnight and I am starving!  What does the latest dietitian say about eating at this hour? 

Usually the next day I become this horrible anti-social hag, avoid people at all costs. Why?  Because I don't like answering "fine" when I'm not.  Those who see that something is wrong, express it by telling me how tired and sick I look.  That doesn't make me feel any better!  God I need your super-natural strength and grace yet once again...help me to walk in Your Spirit and not in my emotions. 

Wonder Woman VS ME

Wonder Woman! I use to watch this show when I was a kid.  I thought for sure if I had to pick between being Barbie doll or Wonder Woman, for sure it was Wonder Woman.  She was sensitive yet productive, in control, beautiful, efficient, always on time, strong.  Well, I never made it, all though I think deep inside I really really tried.  Today a dark reality hit, I used to handle pressure and problems so well.  My response?  No problem, where there's a will there's a way!  Now problems come, conflicts arise, things go sour, people aren't happy and I have a meltdown!  This melt down includes: anger, frustration, a major stomachache and exhaustion.  I feel like the so-called "Wonder Woman" inside of me is dying.  Oddly enough I think this death will be the beginning of the REAL ME! Yet another step in the "SURRENDER" dance that I must learn.

Angry? I'm not angry.

I was reading some posts on how pent up anger can lead to depression.  So now I'm thinking, could all of this be anger? But at what?  Maybe at the fact that when I was 3 my big brother decided to go live with my dad and left me with mom and with a responsibility to large for me to handle. I love my mother deeply and know that she suffered tremendously throughout her life...she made mistakes but she was a good mother, she did the best she knew how to do.  Maybe I'm angry because I would miss youth group, church, parties, to sit with a depressed suicidal mother, sometimes all night, trying to keep her from taking her own life.  Maybe angry at the fact that my own mother left me to be babysat by a 16 year old boy who was sexually abusing me, or with the "friendship" she never questioned with a 13 year old girl and me being only 9 and being sexually abused and bullied by this girl.  As a side note, during these times I know God was watching over me even then by bringing me a neighbor who would read me the Bible and by allowing my step dad to find Gideon new testaments at his work in the trash cans.  He would bring them home to me and I would read them and hide them all over my room, my secret treasure of God's word.  Of course, I didn't understand anything I read but even then, it brought me comfort.  Okay, back to being angry...Angry because in my house "weekends were made for Michelob" LITERALLY! What was a normal, happy, loving mother from Monday-Thursday would turn into a party animal on Friday, dancing, drinking laughing, by Saturday she was screaming and fighting, by Sunday cops were at the door...this wasn't every weekend, but often enough for me to remember clearly.  Maybe I'm angry because my doctor didn't believe me when I told her that there was something wrong with my first baby, maybe angry because of all of the medical mistakes and in-sensitivities there after.  Maybe I'm angry because my firstborn son was born with cerebral palsy, angry because I can't save him from that.  Angry because it's my body's fault.  Angry because my body screwed up my last 2 pregnancies as well causing premature births and many complications after.  Angry because my faith wasn't strong enough to prevent these mishaps.  I can say YES I was angry at God, but had to forgive Him and understand what He is doing...After all, He has been the only one to hold my hand throughout all of this and gives me the strength to get out of bed every morning.  Angry at the school who neglected to care for my son causing further injury to his brain, ANGRY! Pissed off because I am not powerful enough to stop any of this and God who is, didn't.  I know, I got it...there is a purpose for everything, this is making us stronger, more mature, to help others...got it. and I am up for the challenge, sometimes...if God is willing to use me even after whining and complaining.  I know what the Word says about trials and I understand.  All though my feelings and thoughts don's always line up to what God says.  There are only 2 things I can do at this point.  FORGIVE AND SURRENDER!!!  GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!  THANK GOD BECAUSE I SURE DON'T!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I have been saying that internally ever since I can remember.  Pressure from my peers to be prettier, watching a mother obsessed with her body (who I thought was beautiful) but she certainly didn't think so...diet pills, exercising, tummy tucks, all kinds of diets.  A younger sister who becomes anorexic at 13, and goes back and forth between twig skinny and huge obeseness.  Not to mention the pressure from society, media....ALL SCREAM AT ME: YOU ARE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT THIN ENOUGH AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN! The harsh reality that this message has even gotten into my church, as I get a call to join the other ladies for some crazy acupuncture to lose weight.  Where does this madness end.  I'm not saying I plan to let myself go and become sick and obese, but I want mental health, peace, joy in who God created me to be and you know what?  I don't even know who that is...so many voices telling me to change, improve, not good enough, work harder, exercise harder...DON'T ENJOY THAT ICE CREAM WITH YOUR KIDS, IT WILL MAKE YOU FAT!  It's funny the more I struggle with this I seem to spiral down the path I don't want...and now, with health issues and unable to exercise temporarily, putting on a few pounds...I fight the urge to curse myself in the mirror as I saw my mother do day after day.  Reminding myself that God says I'm beautiful, so I am, right?

A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR...YUCK!

Hi,   Not really good at opening up, but I am really good at listening to others open up. It is really hard to find a person or a place to open up, be one's self, really show what's going on on the the inside...when all everyone around wants is for me to help them, so many voices: give me, I need, I want, can we talk, help me!!!! And I do, I'm a woman of God, wife, mother, youth leader...I LOVE THEM! Add on to that, a list of to-do's for my son with cerebral palsy, therapists and doctors telling me what I have to do, adding on more and more responsibility, pressure, information, more appointments, more procedures, more meds for him; so I have to speak up for him, which I do with all my heart because I love him, but I'm only human and Sometimes I envision myself screaming at the top of my lungs...NO!LEAVE ME ALONE! and than I Just start running and I don't look back... Yup, that's where I'm at right now. Don't sound like much of a woman of God right now, I know...

I found a group of women called "christian women with depression" (I know, should the word christian and depression even be in the same sentence?") For the longest time I denied the depression because I'm a christian woman; no more denying it, time to face it and what I have been burying deep inside, ashamed to show the anger, frustration, confusion, and yes ladies and gentlemen suicidal thoughts.  I know I would never go through with it for 3 very simple yet complex reasons, my children.  Doesn't take away the fact that sometimes the thought of just not existing sounds so relaxing, so nice, so calming.  Another very good reason why I wouldn't kill myself?  I don't want to go to hell, good enough reason for me.  Who am I to say I'm not suppossed to live, but dang, I get tired, very tired and not just physically.  Tired of the pressure, the expectations, the labels.  Do you know how sick and tired I get of hearing that I'm strong...SHUT UP!  No I'm not.  This strength that people see is none the less proof of God's existence.  Every other day I want to quit, smack someone, scream at the top of my lungs or run away...sometimes I want to scream, than smack someone, quit than run away.  Nice combination I say. 
I am typing and ignoring the voice "don't type that, what will people think?"  How often do we live life, function that way, don't do that, don't say that, don't wear that, don't feel that....WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?  I'm not saying it's ok to run over people with our words or dress like an idiot, nothing extreme like that, but sometimes I hold it in so much it's like it becomes a physical pain.  Many times I am who other people want me to be.  Well this is my blog and I'm going to be who I am, this might not reflect who I should be or how I should think, but it is what it is. 
I am well aware that much of what i may type might not be what God wants me to feel or think, and I am reassured that He is working on me and I see it in many ways, but guess what?  I have been following the Lord since I was 13 years old, the whole time with this need to please others with my actions, behaviors, work...trying never to show any weaknesses or sin...who am I friggin kidding?

I can't hide anything from God, so who am I kidding, this could be a healing process for me, let it all out!  Like vomiting, it's gross when u do it, but feel so much better afterwards.

I also hope that as I open up, others may be able to relate to something.  Somehow I don't believe I'm the only one with the desire to express what is really going on behind that lame "fine" we offer when people ask "how are you?"  But deep inside you're saying "I'M NOT FINE! I'M ANGRY! I'M FAT! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! I NEED TO CRY! I NEED A HUG! I NEED A FRIEND! A NON-JUDGEMENTAL FRIEND!  I NEED TO CRY UNTIL THERE AREN'T ANYMORE TEARS LEFT! I JUST WANT TO CRY! DON'T ASK ME WHY! I JUST WANT TO CRY!

Imagine if I actually opened up like that after the typical "how are you"?  The other person would probably try to pray for me, give me an encouraging scripture or two or ten, or laugh it off and run away (all with no intentions to hurt me of course).  We don't know how to be real and we don't know what to do when someone is being real.
THANK GOD WE CAN BE REAL WITH HIM AND HE CAN HANDLE IT AND HEAL WHERE IT'S NEEDED.