I am so done
Done of watching doctors and nurses torture my son (I know it will make him better, but still, I'm done and I know he has to be done too)
Done of Mcdonalds meals or my other option? expensive, not-so-good cafeteria food. Or I can walk to ronald mcdonald house for free food, but the pain of remembering our stay there last year, I don't even taste the food. I hate this place and yet, looks like we are moving back in. This feels like a nightmare. I am done!
Done of leaving my daughters and watching them being affected by not having their mom around, my 9 year old is so sweet and understanding, but I can hear the pain in her voice. My 4 year old acting out in anger and tantrums, too young to process, all she knows is that she misses mommy.
My son, lying in this bed, waiting to get better. He gets better, he gets worse, he gets better, he gets worse. He finally goes to sleep and some specialist has to wake him up. LEAVE HIM ALONE!
It is so cold in this room and all I do is find myself staring at the 10 inch tv in the corner of the wall or eating something I'm not supposed to.
I just want the chance to be a little normal, maybe shop a little, have friends, exercise, eat right, maybe just be a normal woman, just a little, that's all I ask.
I feel so frustrated and alone. So abnormal...I stand out when I walk into a room of people I know, no one knows what to say, so some act as if nothing has happened, some try to encourage, some try to share faith, some just ignore me, all because they don't know how to deal with people like us.
I didn't wake up one morning and tell God, I want this kind of life, a life that is spent in hospitals and doctor's offices, a life spent trying to keep our boy alive, a life spent trying to stretch myself thin enough to not neglect any of my children, a life spent distanced from people, sleepless nights, I didn't ask for this and sometimes I feel like we are treated like that, like we planned this, we asked for this, we wanted this. We were once like everyone else, but then all of this happens, we didn't get a say at all.
I have my Bible here, and I read it, but the words just kind of bounce off the page to my eyes and back to page, I am walking and thinking and feeling in a daze.
Don't ask me how I'm doing, that's a stupid question and you probably don't want the honest answer anyways. Don't ask me how I do it...that's another stupid question. People have drawn away, don't blame them, first it was family, now it's friends, I don't blame them...maybe I would have done the same if I were in their shoes. I wonder if they think how would they feel if they were in our shoes. I don't blame them.
How can you help? Don't ask me because I will say no, just do it! take initiative, that's what I would do. How about some healthy meals? How about coming to sit with our boy, so I can spend time with my girls without the thought that my boy is alone and upset, how about just being here without having much to say, their isn't a prayer that hasn't been prayed or words that haven't been said, heard it all. We don't need advice and even encouragement seems cheap nowadays.
I just can't stand it anymore! But God is still in control, that's my hope, my only hope.
God just help me get through this night with enough strength to get through another day here at the hospital.
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