Hi, Not really good at opening up, but I am really good at listening to others open up. It is really hard to find a person or a place to open up, be one's self, really show what's going on on the the inside...when all everyone around wants is for me to help them, so many voices: give me, I need, I want, can we talk, help me!!!! And I do, I'm a woman of God, wife, mother, youth leader...I LOVE THEM! Add on to that, a list of to-do's for my son with cerebral palsy, therapists and doctors telling me what I have to do, adding on more and more responsibility, pressure, information, more appointments, more procedures, more meds for him; so I have to speak up for him, which I do with all my heart because I love him, but I'm only human and Sometimes I envision myself screaming at the top of my lungs...NO!LEAVE ME ALONE! and than I Just start running and I don't look back... Yup, that's where I'm at right now. Don't sound like much of a woman of God right now, I know...
I found a group of women called "christian women with depression" (I know, should the word christian and depression even be in the same sentence?") For the longest time I denied the depression because I'm a christian woman; no more denying it, time to face it and what I have been burying deep inside, ashamed to show the anger, frustration, confusion, and yes ladies and gentlemen suicidal thoughts. I know I would never go through with it for 3 very simple yet complex reasons, my children. Doesn't take away the fact that sometimes the thought of just not existing sounds so relaxing, so nice, so calming. Another very good reason why I wouldn't kill myself? I don't want to go to hell, good enough reason for me. Who am I to say I'm not suppossed to live, but dang, I get tired, very tired and not just physically. Tired of the pressure, the expectations, the labels. Do you know how sick and tired I get of hearing that I'm strong...SHUT UP! No I'm not. This strength that people see is none the less proof of God's existence. Every other day I want to quit, smack someone, scream at the top of my lungs or run away...sometimes I want to scream, than smack someone, quit than run away. Nice combination I say.
I am typing and ignoring the voice "don't type that, what will people think?" How often do we live life, function that way, don't do that, don't say that, don't wear that, don't feel that....WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? I'm not saying it's ok to run over people with our words or dress like an idiot, nothing extreme like that, but sometimes I hold it in so much it's like it becomes a physical pain. Many times I am who other people want me to be. Well this is my blog and I'm going to be who I am, this might not reflect who I should be or how I should think, but it is what it is.
I am well aware that much of what i may type might not be what God wants me to feel or think, and I am reassured that He is working on me and I see it in many ways, but guess what? I have been following the Lord since I was 13 years old, the whole time with this need to please others with my actions, behaviors, work...trying never to show any weaknesses or sin...who am I friggin kidding?
I can't hide anything from God, so who am I kidding, this could be a healing process for me, let it all out! Like vomiting, it's gross when u do it, but feel so much better afterwards.
I also hope that as I open up, others may be able to relate to something. Somehow I don't believe I'm the only one with the desire to express what is really going on behind that lame "fine" we offer when people ask "how are you?" But deep inside you're saying "I'M NOT FINE! I'M ANGRY! I'M FAT! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! I NEED TO CRY! I NEED A HUG! I NEED A FRIEND! A NON-JUDGEMENTAL FRIEND! I NEED TO CRY UNTIL THERE AREN'T ANYMORE TEARS LEFT! I JUST WANT TO CRY! DON'T ASK ME WHY! I JUST WANT TO CRY!
Imagine if I actually opened up like that after the typical "how are you"? The other person would probably try to pray for me, give me an encouraging scripture or two or ten, or laugh it off and run away (all with no intentions to hurt me of course). We don't know how to be real and we don't know what to do when someone is being real.
THANK GOD WE CAN BE REAL WITH HIM AND HE CAN HANDLE IT AND HEAL WHERE IT'S NEEDED.
Amen to letting it all out. I think it's extremely brave of you to take this step forward. It's never easy showing people you're vulnerable, especially in this society where we're told we "have to do it all ourselves or else we're failures." All that mentality leaves us with is feeling isolated in a crowded room.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I do thank God that we have him in the midst of all the chaos that swarms around us, because if not, I think we'd be in the loony bin by now (maybe they'd let us share padded cells).
Laura, I honestly feel so small compared to all that troubles you, I can never even pretend to know answers to your questions, or solutions to your problems, or even know the extent of what you're going through; all I do know is how to cry my eyes out, and pray. So, if you ever need me to, I'll cry and pray with you (I'll have you know I'm quite good at the first one).
love you,
Natalie
Good for you, Laura. As Natalie said, I can not pretend to know what you are going through. We all have our battles and I think you are going to reach someone through your pain. I think you've already touched me with your realness. You are a good writer. I too have experienced thoughts of suicide. I also have 3 good reasons not to do it, my children (2 grown and one 16) Luckily I have a very supportive husband too. (this is my second marriage and God really blessed me) I often think of the legacy it would leave for my children. Not something to be proud of "their mom committed suicide" I don't brush off these feelings though. they follow me everytime I have a really bad day. I often feel like as a Christian I shouldn't have these feelings. arent i suppose to feel joy, joy, joy? my mother dealt with depression too. funny, but not really, her happiest years was while she had alzheimers. i wonder if that too will be my fate. I will be glad to follow your blog. I am also on the FB Christian Women with Depression. maybe we can figure this craziness out together! hugs Lorie
ReplyDeleteAWESOME!! I've been waiting for you to let go for so long.
ReplyDeletewell mate, not gonna tell you what you already know, but I will tell you that I too was a depressed christian for a while. It happened during the time that I was l living at Annabell's.
Anywho im proud of you.
Be who you were always meant to be.
Remember that im here for you.
but above all, know that I love you.