Angry? I'm not angry.

I was reading some posts on how pent up anger can lead to depression.  So now I'm thinking, could all of this be anger? But at what?  Maybe at the fact that when I was 3 my big brother decided to go live with my dad and left me with mom and with a responsibility to large for me to handle. I love my mother deeply and know that she suffered tremendously throughout her life...she made mistakes but she was a good mother, she did the best she knew how to do.  Maybe I'm angry because I would miss youth group, church, parties, to sit with a depressed suicidal mother, sometimes all night, trying to keep her from taking her own life.  Maybe angry at the fact that my own mother left me to be babysat by a 16 year old boy who was sexually abusing me, or with the "friendship" she never questioned with a 13 year old girl and me being only 9 and being sexually abused and bullied by this girl.  As a side note, during these times I know God was watching over me even then by bringing me a neighbor who would read me the Bible and by allowing my step dad to find Gideon new testaments at his work in the trash cans.  He would bring them home to me and I would read them and hide them all over my room, my secret treasure of God's word.  Of course, I didn't understand anything I read but even then, it brought me comfort.  Okay, back to being angry...Angry because in my house "weekends were made for Michelob" LITERALLY! What was a normal, happy, loving mother from Monday-Thursday would turn into a party animal on Friday, dancing, drinking laughing, by Saturday she was screaming and fighting, by Sunday cops were at the door...this wasn't every weekend, but often enough for me to remember clearly.  Maybe I'm angry because my doctor didn't believe me when I told her that there was something wrong with my first baby, maybe angry because of all of the medical mistakes and in-sensitivities there after.  Maybe I'm angry because my firstborn son was born with cerebral palsy, angry because I can't save him from that.  Angry because it's my body's fault.  Angry because my body screwed up my last 2 pregnancies as well causing premature births and many complications after.  Angry because my faith wasn't strong enough to prevent these mishaps.  I can say YES I was angry at God, but had to forgive Him and understand what He is doing...After all, He has been the only one to hold my hand throughout all of this and gives me the strength to get out of bed every morning.  Angry at the school who neglected to care for my son causing further injury to his brain, ANGRY! Pissed off because I am not powerful enough to stop any of this and God who is, didn't.  I know, I got it...there is a purpose for everything, this is making us stronger, more mature, to help others...got it. and I am up for the challenge, sometimes...if God is willing to use me even after whining and complaining.  I know what the Word says about trials and I understand.  All though my feelings and thoughts don's always line up to what God says.  There are only 2 things I can do at this point.  FORGIVE AND SURRENDER!!!  GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!  THANK GOD BECAUSE I SURE DON'T!