you know what I don't understand?

That the same people who scold me for being too strong and self-sufficient, the same people that say that I'm going to get sick if I don't ask for help, the same people that make my independence and determination sound evil; are the same people that fall apart when I need them the most.  These same people can't handle pressure or stress; therefore, leaving me alone to handle the situation.  What am I suppossed to do with this?  If every one fell apart and caved in to the pressure including myself, no one would be up half the night changing my son's diapers, or giving him his medications or dealing with is 102 fevers, or sitting in doctor's office's for what seems to be endless hours.  Someone has to be strong and calm, right?  Sometimes i think it is these thoughts and confusion that put me more into a depressive mood than the circumstances themselves.  Really.

By the way, no one said i take credit for this "strength".  I give all glory to God who has given me the strength to wake up 3-4 times a night for the last 9 days straight and can still fully function during the day, taking care of my sick son and little girls, the house, the laundry, meals  (ok, well drive-thrus have been a part of life lately I admit).  I'm not perfect.  So here is what I say to those people...if you can't handle it, if it's too stressful and sad for you and you need to distance yourself...I understand.  But don't accuse me or make me feel bad because I'm "strong" and get things done.  Do I have choice?  Because I sure don't see it at this point.  If God says He is who He is and His Word says what It says, than I should get up or in some cases stay up in the morning, smile, keep going...trusting that there is new strength for every step that I take, every mountain i have to climb, every hour that i must stay awake, every appointment I must rush to, every crisis I must tend to. 

is it too much to ask?

To be understood?  Not to be felt sorry for or pitied upon...just to be UNDERSTOOD.  A few hours ago I get a surprise call from one of my sister-in-laws who never calls.  She called to ask why we haven't been by to see our newborn neice and when do we plan on going.  They live 2.5 hours away.  Really?  This call reminded me of my conversation with my brother who lives in New York, "sis, when can you guys come down?  Or we can meet in Texas?"  REALLY???  Here's my answer to the both of you!  I will be right over, SLAP THE CRAP OUT OF YOU and come right back.  How's that?  Sorry if I appear a bit bitter...but come on!  Does any one realize what we are dealing with here?  At this very moment, I am pulling an all-nighter, taking care of my sick son, 13 years old with Cerebral Palsy, in diapers.... who has  UNCONTROLLABLE DIARRHEA, not only that but he keeps choking on his own saliva... Why can't they come and see us?  I just want them to understand, how hard it is to travel with a 13 year old, g-tube fed child in diapers.  How hard it is to find a clean, comfortable place to change him, for him to sleep.  Not to mention, bringing his 2 sisters along.  We have to count cans of milk, bags, tubing, gauzes, medicines, syringes...water bottles, diapers, wipes, lots of clothes.  IT IS ALOT OF WORK!  And the bigger he gets, the more work it is.  Am I asking too much when I ask for a little understanding and maybe a break from travel...everyone is so welcome to come here.

Hearing from God

"And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself any more, but your eyes will constantly behold your Teacher.  And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left." Isaiah 30:20-21


And the effect of righteousness will be peace (internal and external), and the result of righteousness will be quietness and confident trust forever.  My people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, in safe dwellings, and in quiet resting-places Isaiah 32:17-19


Words for me during this time in the desert.

Lamentations 3:18-33 and my 2 cents

I cry out, “My splendor is gone! (YES IT IS, LOST UNDER DARK CIRCLES AROUND MY EYES, TIRED ACHY MUSCLES, A BAD BACK, A FAT STOMACH AND BUTT, AND NAILS THAT I CAN'T STOP BITING!)

    Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” (YES LORD, DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD AND I PRAYED "HERE AM I, LORD SEND ME" I MEANT SEND ME TO SAVE THE WORLD, NOT SEND ME PAIN, SUFFERING, TRIALS, HEARTACHE!)

¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.^[a]

²⁰ I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss. (MY LOSS OF HAVING A NORMAL FAMILY LIFE, NORMAL PREGNANCIES, NORMAL BIRTHS, A FIRST BORN SON THAT SHOULD BE IN SPORTS, RUNNING, TALKING, EATING, HOW AM I SUPPOSSED TO BE USED BY YOU GOD, WHEN I'M HOME CHANGING THE DIAPERS OF A 13 YEAR OLD AND WILL BE HERE 10 YEARS FROM NOW DOING THE SAME?  HOW CAN I BE USED BY YOU WHEN I'M EXHAUSTED! WHEN I'M OVERWHELMED WITH DOCTORS AND THERAPISTS, TELLING ME "THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOUR SON"?)

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends! (YES, IT HAS BEEN THE ONLY THING GETTING ME UP EVERY MORNING, THAT AND MY AMAZING HUSBAND!) 

    His mercies never cease. (IF I WERE YOU LORD, I WOULD HAVE ZAPPED ME WITH A LIGHTING BOLT A LONG TIME AGO, FOR MY LACK OF FAITH, JUST LIKE THE ISRAELITES, GRUMBLING, SEEING YOUR HAND, FORGETTING, THAN GRUMBLING AGAIN! SOMETIMES I MAKE MYSELF SICK!)

²³ Great is his faithfulness; (FAITHFUL TO GIVE ME STRENGTH, FAITHFUL TO BLESS MY STEPS, FAITHFUL TO BE THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS THERE, THE WAY I WANT THEM TO BE THERE...WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT AND WE SHOULDN'T)

    his mercies begin afresh each morning. (THAT IS WHY TOMORROW I WILL WAKE UP AND BE HAPPY, NO NOT HAPPY, HAPPY IS SO CIRCUMSTANTIAL, I WILL BE JOYFUL!)

²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”(MAY I NEVER LOSE HOPE IN YOU GOD; I HAVE LOST HOPE IN MY FAMILY, IN DOCTORS, IN THERAPISTS, IN SOCIAL WORKERS, IN MY KIDS SCHOOL, I WILL NEVER LOSE HOPE IN YOU!)

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.

²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly (I AM LACKING HERE LORD! HELP ME BE QUIET! HELP ME STOP WHINING AND COMPLAINING! HELP ME STOP ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND THE ANSWER AND EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING!)
    for salvation from the Lord.

²⁷ And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:

²⁸ Let them sit alone in silence (OH THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN "SILENCE" OH HOW I WISH THERE WAS A SCHOOL THAT I COULD GO TO TO LEARN HOW TO DO THIS...WAIT! AM I IN THAT SCHOOL RIGHT NOW?)
    beneath the Lord’s demands.

²⁹ Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.

³⁰ Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. ("YOUR SON MIGHT ONLY LIVE 10 MORE YEARS, "YOUR SON ISN'T SHOWING ANY PROGRESS", YOUR SON WILL BE A VEGETABLE, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED PUTTING HIM IN A HOME?) HELP ME LORD! TURN THE OTHER CHEEK.

³¹ For no one is abandoned (DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T LEAVE US! WE NEED YOU!
    by the Lord forever.
³² Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love. (I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT ALL, BUT I ACCEPT IT, I ACCEPT YOU LORD AND YOUR PLAN)

³³ For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

New Comedy series coming soon!

Sometimes that's what I feel like our life is, one big unfunny comedy!  Unreal, almost silly.  Right now, another sleepless night.  My son with 102.3 fever and my dear 3 year old daughter who possibly put a popcorn seed up her nose.  She says she did, then she didn't, she says it hurts and then she says it doesn't.  It is almost midnight and I am starving!  What does the latest dietitian say about eating at this hour? 

Usually the next day I become this horrible anti-social hag, avoid people at all costs. Why?  Because I don't like answering "fine" when I'm not.  Those who see that something is wrong, express it by telling me how tired and sick I look.  That doesn't make me feel any better!  God I need your super-natural strength and grace yet once again...help me to walk in Your Spirit and not in my emotions. 

Wonder Woman VS ME

Wonder Woman! I use to watch this show when I was a kid.  I thought for sure if I had to pick between being Barbie doll or Wonder Woman, for sure it was Wonder Woman.  She was sensitive yet productive, in control, beautiful, efficient, always on time, strong.  Well, I never made it, all though I think deep inside I really really tried.  Today a dark reality hit, I used to handle pressure and problems so well.  My response?  No problem, where there's a will there's a way!  Now problems come, conflicts arise, things go sour, people aren't happy and I have a meltdown!  This melt down includes: anger, frustration, a major stomachache and exhaustion.  I feel like the so-called "Wonder Woman" inside of me is dying.  Oddly enough I think this death will be the beginning of the REAL ME! Yet another step in the "SURRENDER" dance that I must learn.

Angry? I'm not angry.

I was reading some posts on how pent up anger can lead to depression.  So now I'm thinking, could all of this be anger? But at what?  Maybe at the fact that when I was 3 my big brother decided to go live with my dad and left me with mom and with a responsibility to large for me to handle. I love my mother deeply and know that she suffered tremendously throughout her life...she made mistakes but she was a good mother, she did the best she knew how to do.  Maybe I'm angry because I would miss youth group, church, parties, to sit with a depressed suicidal mother, sometimes all night, trying to keep her from taking her own life.  Maybe angry at the fact that my own mother left me to be babysat by a 16 year old boy who was sexually abusing me, or with the "friendship" she never questioned with a 13 year old girl and me being only 9 and being sexually abused and bullied by this girl.  As a side note, during these times I know God was watching over me even then by bringing me a neighbor who would read me the Bible and by allowing my step dad to find Gideon new testaments at his work in the trash cans.  He would bring them home to me and I would read them and hide them all over my room, my secret treasure of God's word.  Of course, I didn't understand anything I read but even then, it brought me comfort.  Okay, back to being angry...Angry because in my house "weekends were made for Michelob" LITERALLY! What was a normal, happy, loving mother from Monday-Thursday would turn into a party animal on Friday, dancing, drinking laughing, by Saturday she was screaming and fighting, by Sunday cops were at the door...this wasn't every weekend, but often enough for me to remember clearly.  Maybe I'm angry because my doctor didn't believe me when I told her that there was something wrong with my first baby, maybe angry because of all of the medical mistakes and in-sensitivities there after.  Maybe I'm angry because my firstborn son was born with cerebral palsy, angry because I can't save him from that.  Angry because it's my body's fault.  Angry because my body screwed up my last 2 pregnancies as well causing premature births and many complications after.  Angry because my faith wasn't strong enough to prevent these mishaps.  I can say YES I was angry at God, but had to forgive Him and understand what He is doing...After all, He has been the only one to hold my hand throughout all of this and gives me the strength to get out of bed every morning.  Angry at the school who neglected to care for my son causing further injury to his brain, ANGRY! Pissed off because I am not powerful enough to stop any of this and God who is, didn't.  I know, I got it...there is a purpose for everything, this is making us stronger, more mature, to help others...got it. and I am up for the challenge, sometimes...if God is willing to use me even after whining and complaining.  I know what the Word says about trials and I understand.  All though my feelings and thoughts don's always line up to what God says.  There are only 2 things I can do at this point.  FORGIVE AND SURRENDER!!!  GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!  THANK GOD BECAUSE I SURE DON'T!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I have been saying that internally ever since I can remember.  Pressure from my peers to be prettier, watching a mother obsessed with her body (who I thought was beautiful) but she certainly didn't think so...diet pills, exercising, tummy tucks, all kinds of diets.  A younger sister who becomes anorexic at 13, and goes back and forth between twig skinny and huge obeseness.  Not to mention the pressure from society, media....ALL SCREAM AT ME: YOU ARE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT THIN ENOUGH AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN! The harsh reality that this message has even gotten into my church, as I get a call to join the other ladies for some crazy acupuncture to lose weight.  Where does this madness end.  I'm not saying I plan to let myself go and become sick and obese, but I want mental health, peace, joy in who God created me to be and you know what?  I don't even know who that is...so many voices telling me to change, improve, not good enough, work harder, exercise harder...DON'T ENJOY THAT ICE CREAM WITH YOUR KIDS, IT WILL MAKE YOU FAT!  It's funny the more I struggle with this I seem to spiral down the path I don't want...and now, with health issues and unable to exercise temporarily, putting on a few pounds...I fight the urge to curse myself in the mirror as I saw my mother do day after day.  Reminding myself that God says I'm beautiful, so I am, right?

A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR...YUCK!

Hi,   Not really good at opening up, but I am really good at listening to others open up. It is really hard to find a person or a place to open up, be one's self, really show what's going on on the the inside...when all everyone around wants is for me to help them, so many voices: give me, I need, I want, can we talk, help me!!!! And I do, I'm a woman of God, wife, mother, youth leader...I LOVE THEM! Add on to that, a list of to-do's for my son with cerebral palsy, therapists and doctors telling me what I have to do, adding on more and more responsibility, pressure, information, more appointments, more procedures, more meds for him; so I have to speak up for him, which I do with all my heart because I love him, but I'm only human and Sometimes I envision myself screaming at the top of my lungs...NO!LEAVE ME ALONE! and than I Just start running and I don't look back... Yup, that's where I'm at right now. Don't sound like much of a woman of God right now, I know...

I found a group of women called "christian women with depression" (I know, should the word christian and depression even be in the same sentence?") For the longest time I denied the depression because I'm a christian woman; no more denying it, time to face it and what I have been burying deep inside, ashamed to show the anger, frustration, confusion, and yes ladies and gentlemen suicidal thoughts.  I know I would never go through with it for 3 very simple yet complex reasons, my children.  Doesn't take away the fact that sometimes the thought of just not existing sounds so relaxing, so nice, so calming.  Another very good reason why I wouldn't kill myself?  I don't want to go to hell, good enough reason for me.  Who am I to say I'm not suppossed to live, but dang, I get tired, very tired and not just physically.  Tired of the pressure, the expectations, the labels.  Do you know how sick and tired I get of hearing that I'm strong...SHUT UP!  No I'm not.  This strength that people see is none the less proof of God's existence.  Every other day I want to quit, smack someone, scream at the top of my lungs or run away...sometimes I want to scream, than smack someone, quit than run away.  Nice combination I say. 
I am typing and ignoring the voice "don't type that, what will people think?"  How often do we live life, function that way, don't do that, don't say that, don't wear that, don't feel that....WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?  I'm not saying it's ok to run over people with our words or dress like an idiot, nothing extreme like that, but sometimes I hold it in so much it's like it becomes a physical pain.  Many times I am who other people want me to be.  Well this is my blog and I'm going to be who I am, this might not reflect who I should be or how I should think, but it is what it is. 
I am well aware that much of what i may type might not be what God wants me to feel or think, and I am reassured that He is working on me and I see it in many ways, but guess what?  I have been following the Lord since I was 13 years old, the whole time with this need to please others with my actions, behaviors, work...trying never to show any weaknesses or sin...who am I friggin kidding?

I can't hide anything from God, so who am I kidding, this could be a healing process for me, let it all out!  Like vomiting, it's gross when u do it, but feel so much better afterwards.

I also hope that as I open up, others may be able to relate to something.  Somehow I don't believe I'm the only one with the desire to express what is really going on behind that lame "fine" we offer when people ask "how are you?"  But deep inside you're saying "I'M NOT FINE! I'M ANGRY! I'M FAT! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! I NEED TO CRY! I NEED A HUG! I NEED A FRIEND! A NON-JUDGEMENTAL FRIEND!  I NEED TO CRY UNTIL THERE AREN'T ANYMORE TEARS LEFT! I JUST WANT TO CRY! DON'T ASK ME WHY! I JUST WANT TO CRY!

Imagine if I actually opened up like that after the typical "how are you"?  The other person would probably try to pray for me, give me an encouraging scripture or two or ten, or laugh it off and run away (all with no intentions to hurt me of course).  We don't know how to be real and we don't know what to do when someone is being real.
THANK GOD WE CAN BE REAL WITH HIM AND HE CAN HANDLE IT AND HEAL WHERE IT'S NEEDED.